Today marks the last day of September. I’m sad to see it pass. It is probably my favorite month of the year. The weather is enjoyable, even on those rainy days.
Tomorrow marks the first day of October. That’s my second favorite month; so I’m welcoming it. I feel however, I would do an injustice to myself and others if I didn’t post about part of why this blog came to be.
September is National Suicide Prevention Awareness Month. I wanted to share my story. errr.. stories.
My first experience with tapping out came when I was in middle school. I’m horrible at remembering dates and times; so, I always give myself leeway in case I’m wrong. Middle school is a tough place to be. Those years are some of the most awkward phases for any person to go through.
Yup! Rockin’ the barrel curls, braces, and A.D.D.I.D.A.S. But; you get the picture, super awkward. I had been fortunate enough with a great upbringing and was well liked by my peers. Why on Earth, at such a young and innocent age, would I decide to take pills to end my life? Let’s face it. Kids can be cruel, and insecurities run high. I had no idea what it actually meant. For one, I didn’t even know how many you would have to take to be successful. My ignorance on pills led me to believe that maybe five Tylenol would do the trick. Thank God; I was wrong, and it only made me sleepy. I didn’t realize how much life I’d be missing out on. In almost 20 years, I’ve lived so many experiences. Positive and negative. Wild and out, to very introspective moments. But this is my life; and, I wouldn’t trade it for any other.
Were there moments when I needed to call for help? Yes. And I did. Two summers ago; without actually committing suicide, I died. I died inside. My soul felt like a stone I carried around in my chest. I had my strong belief in God; and, I was at a time in my life where He was the only thing I had faith in. Which kept me from exterminating myself. Again, thank God! It became clear to me that I needed to save myself- by checking into a behavioral health unit, located in a hospital.
I was feeling sideways. My bipolar disorder gobbled up years of my life. Checking into that hospital for eight days was invaluable. I needed a safe place to decompress. That’s exactly what I did while indisposed. I was attending group sessions, coloring, reading, french braiding the girls’ hair, praying with others, and comforting them with my singing. I will always remember the girl who would request that I sing, Janis Joplin- Mercedes Benz. Still tho, I cant help but feel guilty and embarrassed that I needed to take some time out like that. I see many inspiring people who are going through rough times. I’ve yet to come across a person who hasn’t gone through a struggle; or, isn’t going through a struggle. Compassion goes a long way. And that is a big part of prevention. It’s easy; try it on for size!