Lie In Anticipation

Why so blue?  Let me count the ways.

blue01

I have a big move coming up next weekend; and I’m really so excited about it.

In the same respect….

It doesn’t negate the fact that there’s still things that I’m going to be sad about leaving.

  • My mother
  • My son’s school
  • Friends I’ve made down here
  • The abundance of nature
  • Peoples’ lax nature

It’s actually very difficult for me to deal with impending change; and usually, thereafter.

It’s an anxious feeling.

At this point, my anxiety is through the roof; and my roof, might actually blow away, if this wind keeps up force!  Anyone else experiencing out of control winds?!

Anyhow.

Change is important for growth; I know that.

fear

I’m on a Mad Men kick.

It’s mostly me, wrapped up in my feelings; while I’m counting down the days till this change takes place.

Once it happens, and I’ll be with my supportive partner, I’ll be better than fine.

Till then, let me count the other ways in which I’m blue.

  1.   I know my monthly bill is arriving; which means, I’m hormonal, cramps, bloated, break-outs, binge eating, sleeping, blah!
  2.   My dirty-dishwater blonde roots are coming in; and until I can touch them up, I feel like YUCK!
  3.   I’m out of my medicine.
  4.   Daylight Savings Time.  It feels unnatural to have it get dark before 6pm.  It’s inhumane towards people to change the time, especially in the winter.  Winter is already horrible enough.

It’s Friday the 13th, and I’ve yet to decide if I want to watch the Jason flick, or not.  I’m on a Mad Men kick and have made it to season six.  I’d like to finish the series before I move next weekend, (which I’m sure saying goodbye to the show will have me feeling blue in and of itself.)

Still though, as a woman with pre-pms, I feel some cinematic brutality would alleviate some of my symptoms.  Then afterwards, if I’m still feeling emotional and unready for bed, I will torture myself by putting on a romantic comedy; in hopes of reminding myself of the love I have waiting for me after this week.

But first…..

jason

I must decide which of the gorious versions of this masked villain I shall watch.  Tough call.

Enjoy your Friday the 13th!  🙂

Mundane Monday Challenge –

Mundane Monday Challenge:

This is a challenge, created by PhoTrablogger, to find the beauty in almost everything.

The challenge is simple : find beauty in everyday mundane things, capture the beauty and upload the photograph.


That is simple, and I like simple!

Especially for Mondays.

webwoodenbuilding01

There had been a day, when I had to get a ride to my therapist office.  My ride wasn’t able to pick me up until an hour after my session.

I can usually find something to entertain myself.  I decided I would take my camera along with me; and,  I would take pictures of the town during my wait.

I got a lot of great pictures in doing so.

One that I really liked was this wooden building.  I really found the beauty in it.

3 Day Quote Challenge – Friendship

Okay, I was beginning to wonder if I was going to get nominated to participate in challenges / awards, here on wordpress.  That sounds pretentious, it’s not meant to.

I’d see some of these clever “thangs” circling around my reader; and thought, it’d be cool to get such an invite.

Then I woke up today; with two awards (Sunshine Blogger Award & Free Spirit Award), which I will get to writing within the week, thank you so much!

There was also, another nomination I received today, making it a total of three!  How cool, I really appreciate being included!

Allison, fellow blogger, over at How To Get Things Done In 10 Ways, invited me to do the 3 Day Quote Challenge.  I thank you very much, it proved to be inspiring!  🙂  She is hilarious, and has clever posts, please do check her out!

The rules for the challenge are:

  • Thank the person nominating you for the challenge.
  • Post a quote on your blog for 3 consecutive days.
  • Invite 3 of your favorite Bloggers to join the challenge

Quote of the day is!……….

friendquote01

In just a couple of weeks, I’m going to be moving three hours up north.

I’ve made a couple of real connections with people while I’ve lived here.

When I had moved south, going on three years ago, I was very isolated.  My self esteem had become really low.

I had met two girlfriends, from my previous job; and they had really helped me through some depressing times.  I told them of my upcoming move, and they didn’t hesitate to drive out for a visit with.  I needed their visit so bad. 

When I started working with them, it felt as if they were placed in my life for a purpose, of getting me back into the light.  They gave me strength and courage; and, laughs and hugs.

My heart hurts, thinking that I won’t be living close to them.

They are important to me, I will always make time to visit.  ❤

Friendship-Quotes-7

This is the kind of friendship we have.  Love you, girls!

I would like to nominate these three lovely bloggers, if they would like to participate in this 3 Day Challenge.  Anyone can join in, we could all use a little more quotes!  🙂

Be Not So Impulsive

I’m at my computer; admiring a lot of your lovely blogs, and I noticed out my living room window- a herd of turkeys passing through. 

  • Edit: (I was just informed by a friend on facebook that it is a FLOCK, not a herd! ahha, oops!)
webturkies01

Wild Turkeys – Taken through my living room window.

Yesterday, I had a meeting with my son’s teacher about an upcoming move we are going to be experiencing.

LIFE IS AN ADVENTURE.

As I’m waiting in the office, it felt like I was a kid again, back in school.  It’s not like I have memories of nervously waiting to be seen by administration; but if I did, it would’ve felt like I felt yesterday.

Nervous.

I really adore the school that my son attends.  They have a great rating, wonderful teachers & staff, and lovely kids & parents.

I have some slight trepidation; because we are moving from a small town, into the city, located three hours away.  There are plenty of reasons for the move, but only one fear comes to mind.

I feel, that his new school will be more rough around the edges.

I’m not green to city life; albeit, not New York City life, but a well populated area, nonetheless.

I know cities can be more harsh.  Not that, people struggle more or less in either environment; but when you add people on top of people, the dynamics start to shift.

I truly believe, everything will be fine.  Paxton’s teacher said he’ll do great.  She said, “… he is a lovable boy, with a big heart!”  Gotta admit, she’s right!

She also said that he’s impulsive.

noidea

I have no idea where he gets that from?!

So this morning when the *flock* of wild turkeys came through my backyard, I ran and grabbed my camera.

I produced this one picture looking out my window, before I realized I would have to switch lenses to get a closer shot.

webturkies01

I count 13, I really do.

I change my lens; and I think, I’ll quietly creep out the front door and walk around to the back.  (Right; quietly creep, when there are all those crunchy leaves on the ground.)

Little did I know, about ten more turkeys were loitering through the side yard.

They noticed me, and took off in flight.  Their wings were flapping so loud, alerting all the other birds that “danger” was near.

Really, turkey, you should be so lucky I was going to shoot you with my camera; just wait till the hunters find ya!

webturkey01

The only decent pic I got outside.

In conclusion, I should not have been so impulsive.  I could’ve just changed lenses and shot through my window.  The results would’ve been better than they turned out to be.  Grrrrr..  Duly noted.

Things That Blossom

I woke up this morning to a pretty cool blogging milestone.

followed-blog-50-2x

50 wordpress followers!

A couple of days ago, I reached my 200th like!

likeable-blog-200-2x

My blog is blossoming.

zinnias006

I started this creative outlet of blogging, last April.

I had one post that month; and then, not another one until September.

I’ve since, became a regular poster.

For some years, I had lost my voice (not due to an upper respiratory infection) but mostly due to depression.  I became less excited in my passion of photography.  Many days, I would have to force myself to take pictures.  And forget about editing.

I had stock piles of photos, with no desire in seeing them through to completion.

I’d like to credit my wonderful boyfriend, for pulling me back out from the cave that I miserably dwelled in.

webmorganjess01

This is Morgan. ❤

I hadn’t felt love from a companion; or, for a companion, in ten years.  I had remained mostly single throughout the duration.

I dated a couple of guys, for a couple of months; which I knew soon on, wouldn’t evolve into anything of significance.  I can see right off the bat whether me and “said partner” would be a good match.  If it didn’t click, there was no point in investing anyone’s time.

zinnias001

In a black and white world, there are two kinds of people out there.  Those that can be alone; and, those that can not.  There is no right or wrong in either.  Just an observation I’ve witnessed.

I was an only child till I was seven, and the neighborhood I grew up in had very little kids to play with.  In short, I knew how to entertain myself.

I’m an artist.  I like my alone time to create my work.

After spending a decade alone, it made me realize how much more exciting life would be if I had someone to experience it with.

I just needed a little more patience till the right one came along.

zinnias002

And then I met Morgan.  Our friendship blossomed into a boyfriend / girlfriend relationship this past summer, and I’ve never been happier!

webtwoflowers01

He is as creatively driven as I am.  He’s encouraging and supportive.

Most importantly, I feel the love again.

I also want to thank YOU, the readers, for checking in- following, liking, and commenting on my posts.  It gives me motivation to keep up with my passions.  I am grateful for the milestones that I’ve reached; and no doubt, would not have been possible without YOU.

webzinnias003

Throughout this adventure, I’ve come across many lovely blogs that I enjoy reading.  It’s a pretty cool community, and I’m happy to be apart of it!

Gypsy Woman

I often wear my shoes until there are holes in them; and, they’re falling apart to the point of- JUST GET NEW SHOES ALREADY.

I attribute much of that on my frugality.

People have made comments that it’s because I’m a gypsy.  I laugh at that; because, it’s true.

rack01

I turned an old dvd rack into a hat and scarf catcher.

Up until two years ago, I usually lived within 30 minutes from my childhood home.  Which had been in my life for 29 years.  There was a kind of comfortable certainty about it.  I had roots growing from my toes, and that’s probably where the holes in my shoes came from.

With the onset of foreclosure and family crises, that happened to be one after another, it had forced me and my family out of our comfort zone; and, more into the twilight zone.  I have spent some years, very confused.  Go ask Alice.

alice-in-wonderland-confusing

When my family and I discussed a move from home; northeast Ohio, to 2.5 hours south to West Virginia- I was initially syked!  A new adventure.  It wasn’t a normal relocation, though.  My family purchased property on a mountainside.  We had to bulldoze the lot, move trailers onto the lot, get electric poles, septic; and, MANY other things that I’ll save for later posts.  It has nonetheless been an adventure.

I was waiting in Ohio for our spot to be finished, (it took from scouting properties in March 2013- move in November 2013) and that’s actually quite quick when you think about everything that went into it.  In the meantime, all I could do was wait.

How do you spend your limited time knowing you have an impending move?  What kind of attachments can you form if you know you have to leave?  I had two things that was really hard to walk away from.

websaliva1

On a music note, I got a press pass to take pictures of Saliva.

Music has been a passion of mine.  My cousin, James Gang, and his buddies had a local rock band.  They were looking for a singer.  I filled in while I could.  I was in a depression during that time and the one thing I would look forward to was Sunday band practice.  I love hearing my voice through a PA! haha.  Just to name a few, we were covering Janis, Zeppelin, Hendrix, Jefferson Airplane, The Cranberries, and Janes Addiction.  There was so much fun potential when we jammed together.  The excitement was everywhere.  That’s why it killed me when I had to pack up and leave.

Leave to go live in a town where no one knew my name.  Having to say goodbye to the band was like having to say goodbye to a lover.  Which that was number two.

heart leaves

Hearts

I wasn’t in a relationship; and, I hadn’t had deep feelings for someone in ten years.  I ran into someone from high school, whom I didn’t know while in high school; and when we met, I felt connected to him.  For me, it was clear to see that I would fall for him.  Timing could not have been more off for us to be in a relationship.  He was getting his life where he needed it to be.  A man with a plan, is admirable!  And, I was moving away.  I never had a definite move date; but, was always told, “just another month from now”.  While I was waiting to move, we hung out as friends, and as artists sharing our dreams together.  We played it cool.  Well, he did.  I was a wreck.  I wanted him as my boyfriend. haha

When I finally did move away, we remained in contact for two years.  I still had it in my mind that I wanted this guy.  We kept playing it cool.

This past summer…. Well… That’s a real romantic movie like scene.  Saved for another time perhaps.  🙂

I’m ready for a new pair of shoes.

My Hands Are Not Tied

Most of us have heard that saying before.  “I’d like to ______; but, my hands are tied.”  It’s basically saying that the situation is out of their control, and not up to them.  Sometimes it’s absolute, and sometimes it’s relative to the person.  I had become good at accepting the victim role, which became the crutch I would cling to.  A few years ago, an injustice was done upon me.  It became very debilitating.  I am not a weak person; I had spent most of my life in manic phases.  A very euphoric state.  I had been a creatively driven person.  I believed I could make something spectacular of myself.  Manic trumps depression any day.  When struck with post-traumatic stress, depression has a way of lingering.  I couldn’t see myself out of burdening situations.  Essentially, my hands were tied.

gnaw01

Lakewood, Ohio. 2012. Charity Zombie Walk

It’s time to gnaw my damn hand off.  I don’t want to feel bound by any excuses, and look back and regret.  I have it in me to see through anything I want to do.  I do have to push myself.  We all do it everyday.

The struggle is real; but, so is your dream.  So go get it!!

No Better Time Than the Present

Today marks the last day of September.  I’m sad to see it pass.  It is probably my favorite month of the year.  The weather is enjoyable, even on those rainy days.

6 years ago

self portrait – six years ago

Tomorrow marks the first day of October.  That’s my second favorite month; so I’m welcoming it.  I feel however, I would do an injustice to myself and others if I didn’t post about part of why this blog came to be.

September is National Suicide Prevention Awareness Month.  I wanted to share my story. errr.. stories.

mandown1

Man Down

My first experience with tapping out came when I was in middle school.  I’m horrible at remembering dates and times; so, I always give myself leeway in case I’m wrong.  Middle school is a tough place to be.  Those years are some of the most awkward phases for any person to go through.

torontotrip

Middle School trip to Toronto. The place gave me allergies, but I had a great time.

Yup!  Rockin’ the barrel curls, braces, and A.D.D.I.D.A.S.  But; you get the picture, super awkward.  I had been fortunate enough with a great upbringing and was well liked by my peers.  Why on Earth, at such a young and innocent age, would I decide to take pills to end my life?  Let’s face it.  Kids can be cruel, and insecurities run high.  I had no idea what it actually meant.  For one, I didn’t even know how many you would have to take to be successful.  My ignorance on pills led me to believe that maybe five Tylenol would do the trick.  Thank God; I was wrong, and it only made me sleepy.  I didn’t realize how much life I’d be missing out on.  In almost 20 years, I’ve lived so many experiences.  Positive and negative.  Wild and out, to very introspective moments.  But this is my life; and, I wouldn’t trade it for any other.

Were there moments when I needed to call for help?  Yes.  And I did.  Two summers ago; without actually committing suicide, I died.  I died inside.  My soul felt like a stone I carried around in my chest.  I had my strong belief in God; and, I was at a time in my life where He was the only thing I had faith in.  Which kept me from exterminating myself.  Again, thank God!  It became clear to me that I needed to save myself- by checking into a behavioral health unit, located in a hospital.

sideways

Sideways

I was feeling sideways.  My bipolar disorder gobbled up years of my life.  Checking into that hospital for eight days was invaluable.  I needed a safe place to decompress.  That’s exactly what I did while indisposed.  I was attending group sessions, coloring, reading, french braiding the girls’ hair, praying with others, and comforting them with my singing.  I will always remember the girl who would request that I sing, Janis Joplin- Mercedes Benz.  Still tho, I cant help but feel guilty and embarrassed that I needed to take some time out like that.  I see many inspiring people who are going through rough times.  I’ve yet to come across a person who hasn’t gone through a struggle; or, isn’t going through a struggle.  Compassion goes a long way.  And that is a big part of prevention.  It’s easy; try it on for size!